Mary had dominion over the animals, plastic though they were, and they bowed in worship to her baldness, her round-headedness, and the unnatural size of her eyes.
Then the Lord said “Let There Be Hair.” And he caused it to grow.
He caused it to grow in unruly patterns of unnaturalness, in cowlicks of shame, and in colors of dirty dishwater. And there was confusion and thousand-yard staring for 40 days and 40 nights.
Thus, He giveth the rubber band. And the pigtails, they were good. Ish. But a being wholly removed from God (Mom) caused the pinking shears of doom to be inflicted upon the hair, and the bangs? Not good.
And despair reigned across the land.
The plague of the pinking shears again was visited upon the people of the house. The shears caused lobotomized staring, and despondency, and bad fashion, and an unattractiveness so palpable that the wallpaper peeled from the walls to hide itself from the disgrace. And the children, they cried out in anguish, “Why dost thou mock me, and then take photos?” And the Lord, He was silent.
And in that fifth year, the child was sent to live in a garden. A kindergarten. And the hair of the child was cut. And combed. And still, it was not good. A being adorned the child with bad 70′s fashion, and the Lord reigned down his wrath at the choice of collar by striking the child with facial insipidness.
There followed seven years of plague. Long hair with bad parts. Homemade haircuts with unfortunate alignments. The mercifully unphotographed attempt to worship the false idol of Dorothy Hammill, with a failed wedge cut.
In the tenth year, a graven image of Mary was made, so shocking that to stare too long would turn a child into a pillar of polyester. The indifferent grooming, the infectiously indifferent fabric pairings, the crooked teeth of despair.
And the Lord proclaimed: Verily, I say unto you, hair is heartbreak.
In the thirteenth year, there appeared long and glorious locks of brown. Yet the Lord, in his mighty power, spoke words of judgment from on high, “Thy bangs shalt be unto thee an eternal sorrow.”
In the fullness of time, Mary reached the age of young womanhood.
In 1982, in her fourteenth year, the fourth born son of the family married and the child was named “candle-lighter,” and in her blue finery, she felt that the curse had been lifted, that her hair looked like that of a rock star. 
But yea, the Lord deemed that Rock Star she resembled was Robert Plant.
And shame would be hers for a quarter century.
And then. In the 20th year, 1988, there appeared a demon of sinister and seductive trickery.
His name was Ogilvie Home Permanent, and his evil spread throughout the hair and killed the firstborn hair follicle of every square inch of the scalp of Mary.
And the PMS was intensified through the bitter reflection in the mirror.
And the cursed bangs continued their reign for forty days and forty nights. And then for six more months. And yea, there was wailing and gnashing of teeth.
There followed nine years of short hair
The stylists, they were legion and incompetent, drunk with power and poor judgment, inflicting suffering and acrimony.
In grief and pain, Mary brought forth bangs.
Then, a professional photo was taken, for presenting to visiting kings, queens and er…clients.
The fourth-born son of Mary’s parents saw the image, and sang to Mary the Carol Burnett theme song, and Mary was filled with woe and murderous thoughts.
“I cry out to you, O God. Have pity on me! In suffering and shame, I live with this burden. Lift it from me, and I shall cease my shouting of obscenities in places of commerce, and stop speeding, and give money to the poor.”
A quiet fell across the land, and then an angel of mercy was sent to bring peace.
Her name was Annette.
She was wise with the knowledge of healing neck massages, and valuable oils and potions, and a magical wand that smoothed woe and shame from cursed hair.
And seeing Mary’s Carol Burnett hair, Annette proclaimed, “Here’s my card. I can fix this.”
And she did.
Over and over she did.
And girls, it was good.
it seems you found your inspiration! absolutely hilarious!
That was funny Mary…
I have an 80′s pic of myself where I literally must have used that syrup-type liquid you dip your comb into and ‘gel’ your hair. My part is razor sharp centered and on each side my hair is crisp and wouldn’t move even if I stood in a wind tunnel. Scary. oh yeah with two metal ‘clips’ on each side…gawd, what was I thinking!
I need an Annette. Wah!
I remember when that professional shot was your avatar and I couldn’t help but wonder who could be that perky. The new style is fantastic.
OMG! It’s a good thing that I didn’t have a mouthful of coffee as I started to read this. I would have spit it all over the keyboard while laughing. At work. Not good! This is hysterical!
::applause::
Mahvelous, dahling! Those bangs were indeed unfortunate. But you’re rocking the place now! Does Annette do house calls to New JErsey?
This is hysterically funny. I choked on my popcorn, I was laughing so hard. Your writer’s block has been lifted. May many more days of good hair experiences be yours.
Gorgeous. I need her card.
PS. The ogilvie home perm…I totally had one of those. Possibly two.
Thank you for this. Even as a hairstylist, I too have had some scary hair moments that luckily have been photographed. One in which a perm was involved.
Oh, how cool are you? That was such fun to read.
Only…now I’m a bit jealous. I don’t have an Annette.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Just what I needed to start my day, Mary. Thanks! I need an Annette in my life.
You are going to get me fired for reading and shrieking with laughter over personal email at work!!!!!!!!!
That is the funniest damned thing I’ve read in a very long time, and am now passing the link to everyone I know.
You rock, sista-friend!!
Wow. LOL At least you seem to have missed the ‘high hair’
sensation that sold jars and jars of Dippety Doo and a multitude of Hair Net hairspray cans! Be grateful…..
Ah…it is so reassuring to know there is someone else out there that shares so many bad hairstyles and home haircuts and home perm stories as I. I feel reassured.
You’ve got a talent! I so enjoyed reading this.
awesome post. awesome.
I’m kind of partial to the Robert Plant myself (although I think I would call it the Leif Garrett).
HAHAHA. Oh, wow, Mary.
My roommate and I just peed ourselves with laughter.
Ohhhh. That is hysterical!!
I especially love the rock-star do.
I had that Robert Plant hair in ’79… but they called me Petey Frampton. :D
Yes, you finally found the perfect cut. You make it look very lovely indeed.
What kind of readers do you attract that would hurl Toni permanent kits at you for mocking the Bible, for Christ’s sake??
Does this mean you are now unblocked?
Can Annette come to the Alamo City and do something about my hair?
I can’t help but wonder if your final photo of hair “success” won’t elicit a giggle or at least an “OMG what was I thinking” in about ten years time….
I know the despair of the pinking shear bangs as I suffered through Mom’s learning years of hair stylist as her model. You got the fashionable bangs compared to my stylish 1960′s picket fence version. Your hair pictures are gorgeous compared to the horror show mine were. You look marvelous now!
Bwah ha ha!
Girl you are hilarious. I also suffered the horrible mother given home perm. I’m sure there are pictures floating around out there somewhere.
P.S. I also have a lovely picture of me that resembles Sammy Hagar!!! UGH
I freakin’ LOVE this post. LOVE IT!
That was great Mary. Makes me want to take out the old photo albums.
oh wow. this was perfection. i needed your humor tonight.
Oh, ow, I was laughing so hard!! I am a fellow sufferer of bad hair.
The only good stylist I ever had unfortunately became a heroin addict.
(BTW – your hair looks great!)
Sent over by Mrs. G. I dearly love a hair retrospective post. And on the 8th day God created the hair straigtener. Hallelujuah!
We have suffered, I mean enjoyed, many of the same styles. What wonderul photos!
You did such a great and humorous job on this, it makes me want to send you all my school pictures and pay you to write such a tale about mine ;-)
And there is no gift greater than a hairstylist you can trust with your eyes closed!- the hairstylist that creates a flattering masterpiece all on his or her own every time and never leaves you sobbing in the parking lot!
and……I just got home from having Annette cut & style my hair. she is indeed, a hair goddess!
fantastic stuff, really….wow, an epic tale of hair. so glad you have finally found happiness, really. i know the pain, i’m a former triangle head (glory be thinning scissors).
Thank you for sharing this! And I can see you have found true hair happiness. Me, I’m still searching :o)
But where are you hiding Mork?
Just kidding.
I love the new do!
Absolutely brilliant! There isn’t a woman in all the land who has lamented the truth that hair is to be endured rather than adored!
Yea, that was supposed to be “hasn’t”. Damn spell checker!
This is so funny! I used a home perm too. With tons of gel for that “wet” aka crunchy look. I sure did need an Annette back then!
Love this. At first I thought it was about your daughter (can you tell I’m a first time reader.) This was a bright moment in my day–great writing and photos!!
xo,
SL
Awesome! I need to put myself a “hair through the years” photo up. But I fear my bangs in 1988. If I released them from their special box the power of “bangs banded with Aqua Net/turquoise Rave bottle” could take over the world. And don’t we have enough trouble right now?
Awesome! We should all remember to kiss the toes and feed the mouths of a hair goddess when we are lucky enough to find one.
Hahaha! Brilliant!
I can’t help remember The Shag haircut inflicted on me by my mother’s hairstylist friend in 1973. Total poof-ball. What was my mother thinking?? (She was thinking she couldn’t do a better job, I guess, but I think she was wrong.)
Yikes. I’m glad things have straightened out, finally. hehe
The lord, he bringeth great laughter and peeing of thine pants!
One of the best blog posts I have ever read. Brilliant!
Also, the flat iron literally changed my life.
Found you through Good Mom / Bad Mom.
Repeating for the nth time . . . absolutely brilliant, feckin’ hilarious!
Found you through Good Mom/Bad Mom. I’ve got to add you to my blog roll, ’cause you’re hilarious!!
Great post!
My God, you are my hair history doppelganger. I am in awe.
Hair… it was my nemisis! It didn’t help growing up in the 70′s-80′s. Those spiral perms were my demise.
And since I’m assuming Annette doesn’t live with you, you’re doing a great job holding the reigns!
Hi. I’m Annette’s sister, and she had me read this! Wow, you have such a talent for writing! This was hillarious! I totally understand the days of hair before Annette! Thank goodness she went into this profession to save us all from bad hair lives! Thanks for letting me read this!
Alicia