This week marks the culmination in the slow progression toward our lives spinning completely out of control over the past 2+ years, since finding out my dad was sick to all the emotional upheaval and decisions resulting therefrom.

Tomorrow, we have our hearing in bankruptcy court and I spent today madly scrambling through the house trying to find our social security cards.  Of course, we never put them in our wallets, as identity theft experts advise you don’t put them where they could be easily stolen.

That means they are somewhere in this vortex of matter known as our house.  MY GOD we have so much crap around here, even after I got rid of a truckload of things at the Goodwill.  PC called from work and said he didn’t have his Social Security card, either.  So tomorrow before our hearing (thank God it’s in the afternoon) we have to stop in at the social security office (in the same building as our hearing) and process an application for duplicate cards, get letters with our SSN on them for the court, and then hope to God we don’t lose the new cards when they finally get here.

I’ve been sifting through the mountains of paper in my office at home and have realized that it’s going to be a week-long process of sorting.  My father in law has one of those Neat Desk scanners and I’m tempted to ask him if I can borrow it for a week, to expedite the receipts and other things I need to input into Quicken.

Update:  PC found his card.  I still haven’t found mine and I’m pretty sure I won’ t find it until about ten minutes after I receive the new one in the mail in a few weeks.

The refrigerator is not chilling.  AGAIN.  This will be the fourth time since March 24 that it’s died.  The last three times, I’ve used a hair dryer to heat and melt the frozen condensation building up in the ducts from the freezer to the fridge section, per the advice of the repairman.  When I told the lady at the warranty company about it this morning, she got really quiet and said “Ma’am, how about if we send you a different repairman this time?”

Oh, and later this week?  My childhood home goes on the auction block.  GOOD.  TIMES.

I’m going to need some chocolate.

Quiet here lately, right?

I haven’t stopped writing – not really.  I certainly haven’t stopped reading.  But I have taken a break from sharing, just because it’s been unbearable thinking about writing down some of the disappointments and struggles we’ve undertaken the past year or more.

Which is rich coming from someone who exhaustively documented my father’s illness and the grieving process after his death.

When finances went into the toilet for us, part of the process of getting through the tough times was to make it an interesting challenge:  stretch the budget, make homemade versions of expensive things, get by on less, get back to basics.

Then, the light at the end of the tunnel:  a fabulous, unbelievably good stroke of luck in the form of a tax refund in excess of $10,000 due to a calculated residual adoption tax credit, earned income credit for the fact that my sales income had been lower than expected and PC’s job starting late in 2010.    We anticipated that refund for months, waiting as the IRS sent letters asking for more paperwork, more clarification.

BOOOM!  A miscalculation in the adoption tax credit meant penalties, and a reduction in the refund and ultimately, a tax bill in excess of $2,700.  That news in January, on top of an abysmal winter in the housing industry for me, meant that we were in serious, serious, SERIOUS financial difficulty.

I think difficult is a sweet word for “up shit creek without a paddle.”

I couldn’t write much because I was paralyzed with worry and fear.  I didn’t want to write about food  (my passion!) because really…..even our food was mostly depressing.  With some help from family, we were able to keep our heads just above water.

In February, I started the month with a decision that regardless of the market, regardless of how last year went, I was going to turn things the hell around and have a good year.  I started with something very simple:  I smiled at people.  I went into the office every single day, almost without fail, and I smiled.  At open houses, I didn’t just smile, I said “Hi! Welcome!” to every person who walked in the door.

When I engaged people in conversation, I did something radical (for me).  I asked them if they had anyone helping them with their home search and when they said no, I asked “Can I give you my card?  I would love to help you.”  Crazy, right? I came right out and asked for business.

I started to pick up clients.  I called people I’d done business with in the past, and a couple of them sent me leads.  I put on a good face and I started to pick up new clients.  I closed two sales in April, which was the first income I’d had since THANKSGIVING of last year.

Things are starting to pull out of the terrifying and awful abyss we were in last year.  I sold three more houses and will have closings on them over the next three weeks.  I have several listings currently, and new buyer clients, and host open houses nearly every weekend in order to meet more clients.

Mostly, I’ve been working hard to stop feeling like a failure.  I have been pushing those thoughts out of my head.  I read last week that worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.

I don’t want to be that sad, scared and paralyzed woman who crawled through 2011 depressed and afraid to try.  I will never again put my family in a position where I am skipping meals to make sure my husband and daughter have enough to eat at dinner.

Things really, really are looking up.  We got a mortgage modification from our lender that will cut our house payment by $250 a month.  Of course, our debt reorganization bankruptcy hearing is next week, and every penny of that $250 a month will go toward the payments to the trustee to pay back our taxes and student loan debts.

I absolutely don’t say any of these things to garner sympathy.  I say these things to explain why I’ve been largely absent from here these past months.  I fell into an empty place and I have crawled out of it.  I think our experience can help someone else, but first we had to get through it, and we’re almost to the other side of it.  There are some other obligations to still take care of, but we’re finally, FINALLY seeing hope.

I’ll try not to talk so much about groceries!  I’ll not really dwell on the crap of the past several months any more, especially when so many other things have been happening, including the fact that my husband almost had a freakout at church last Sunday because the entire service was conducted by an out of town Christian PUPPET TROOP.  As in, muppet-like, singing gospel-ized versions of songs like Aretha Franklin’s “Respect” and a teenager with a ventriloquist act that involved a sassy parrot who botched up the Lord’s Prayer.  Be on the lookout for THAT post.

Plus, Rabbit’s third grade class has been studying embryology and we watched chicks hatch this afternoon at her school.

Oh, and next week, my childhood home is going up on the auction block.  Good times.

I love you, my few but faithful readers and friends.  I promise that if you stick around, I will make it worth your while.  Finally.  Again.

Like a loser, I did not take pictures of this evening’s culinary experiment, but as I will be making this item again and again (and AGAIN!), I will have pictures to share in the future.

Adapting a recipe I saw on that evil vortex of time suckitude (Pinterest), tonight I made banana ice cream.  Or banana “ice cream,” as there is no cream involved.

Friends, it was wonderful!

First off:  you don’t need any dairy at all, which is a godsend to the lactose intolerant.  If you want to add dairy, you can.  Here’s what I did.

I had three bananas that were headed south: brown flecks on the peel, the stems darkening, looking like the basis for yet another loaf of uber fattening banana bread.

Instead, I cut them into pieces and put them in a container in the freezer for a day.  This evening, I got them out and threw them into the food processor.  I added a couple of tablespoons of honey and a little white sugar (which I could have skipped).  I ran the food processor until the bananas looked like little Dippin’ Dots ice cream.  I scraped the bowl down and then at this point, you could add a little milk at a time, say a couple of tablespoons, and run the processor some more.

Instead of dairy milk, I had a can of light coconut milk I’d purchased at Trader Joe’s a while back, so I drizzled in some of that. As I ran the food processor some more, the mixture took on the texture of soft serve ice cream.

For good measure, I added a tablespoon of peanut butter, ran the processor some more and then scooped out the “ice cream” into three bowls, which were devoured by my daughter, her friend spending the night, and myself.

Next time, we’ll try it with bananas and strawberries.  But goodness, it was delicious and satisfying.  And for someone who can’t eat regular ice cream, this was a complete indulgence.

Try it!

Wow, so sixteen days between posts just might be an all time record on here.

Anyway.

How we survived (so far): the Great Recession.

1.  We were able to negotiate a mortgage modification on our house, which will reduce our house payments by about 28% every month.  This will begin in a week and go for 4 months.  After 4 months (the trial period), they will refinance at whatever the interest rate is on July 1st, which will still be better than the 6.5% rate we were at when we purchased the house.  This is a game-changer for us.

2.  Our bankruptcy was filed just over a week ago, and we have our meeting date with the trustee in May.  We filed Chapter 13 instead of Chapter 7 (reorganization and repayment of creditors instead of debt cancellation) because a chunk of our debt is taxes and student loan debt, which is non-dischargeable.

3.  My business is finally, finally, FINALLY beginning to pick up.  I will have two closings in April, which will be my first income OF THE YEAR.  I have not had any commissions since the week of Thanksgiving last year.  That’s the worst dry spell I’ve had in eight years.  I have one listing active and four in the pipeline, all of which are having repairs done before they go on the market.  I have three sets of buyers in various stages of looking/buying/deciding.

How we have  been climbing out (so far) pf the great personal depression of the last several months:

4.  We joined a church and are officially Lutherans now.  Rabbit is enjoying going to Sunday School and we feel very good about the congregation we joined, including the traditional music, the coffee hour on Sundays and the VERY active congregation with dozens of outreach programs.  I’m going to sign up for the Stephen Ministry, which is a 50-hour training course to be a resource for outreach/encouragement to people in difficult circumstances.  It’s sort of a peer mentor/encouragement/prayer partner thing.  I figure with everything that has happened to me and to us over the past three years, I should be in a position to give back and empathize with others.

5.  I am a KNITTING FOOL.  So far, I think I’ve knitted about 16 dish cloths, a lace pattern scarf from bamboo-blend yarn, a baby afghan, three other scarves, and am currently working on another scarf and a second baby afghan.  All of this knitting has severely cut into my reading time, but I’m slowly but surely amassing a collection of things to give away.  I will take photos and post them soon.

6.  Rabbit received a lunch box from a blog reader, and it arrived the day before yesterday (side note:  Dear Friend, you will be receiving a personal note from Ms. Rabbit herself next week).  It’s a pink insulated soft-sided lunch cooler with a collection of three-compartment plastic containers that hold a LOT of food.  Her first official lunch consisted of a boiled egg, some sliced cucumber and edamame, mini-breadsticks, a clementine, a little cupful of sweet cereal as a treat, and a juice box.   I found out she has been throwing away the egg yolk, and that’s a no-no.  We’ll do deviled eggs next time, which she loves.

7.  One of my clients is an 87 year old woman with no family in town.  She has one son who lives way out west in another state, and she has moved to an assisted living facility.  Her neighbor was entrusted to sell her belongings and give away the rest (of the things that the lady didn’t take with her to her new apartment).  I picked up a small pressure cooker, a newer crock pot, an electric skillet and a completely fantastic 1965 Better Homes and Gardens New Cookbook, with a section on outdoor cooking that had illustrations that looked like a scene from Mad Men.  ”Gertrude”, my client (not her real name, obviously) said I could have all those things in exchange for bringing her a couple of bags of groceries from the store next time I visit, since she has no car and can’t get around very well any more.  Oh, and I’m required to bring Rabbit out to visit her in the near future.   I think I can do that.

8.  It’s spring here, in full force.  I don’t EVER recall the trees being in bloom this early in the season. Everything is just heart-stoppingly beautiful (other than the clots of earthworms gathered in door frames and near garage doors after the recent rains) and the weather has been completely gorgeous.

9.  Tonight, I went to see “The Hunger Games” at the theater with four high school girls from my latest youth retreat. The movie was just great.  PC and Rabbit and I rented and watched the movie “Hugo” recently, and loved that as well.

I will write more soon, and something besides a list.  I’ll have pictures of lunchbox lunches, knitting projects, crabapple blossoms, Rabbit’s new capri pants, and more.  I’ll have a recipe or two, some helpful tips and a few posts about life nearly 2 years since losing my dad, and how that process has gutted and re-configured me.

What I’ve learned recently is something pretty basic:  I’m here on this earth not to run things, but to love people.  Life really falls apart for me when I try to control it and take charge of things that really aren’t my forte or my business.  When I try kindness and care and love and concern for others, and put those things ahead of trying to make life more convenient for myself, all manner of good things start to happen.

I don’t know if that’s just the natural order of things or divine intervention or what the heck, but I know that if something works, keep doing it.

I’m coming up for air just long enough to report that it will be several weeks before things even begin to approach a semblance of normal around here.

I’m “gutting it out” as the saying goes: just trying to make sure we keep our heads above water, getting through the next four weeks or so until life evens out a little.

I’ve been busy and finally got a house sold, and have some new clients getting ready to buy and sell. PC is working 50 hours a week and our financial situation should start to be resolved by the end of the month.

My car , sensing doom, decided to break down. Actually, what sounded like a death knell turned out to be a slipped belt in a steel belted tire, and was fixed in a day for way less than I had anticipated.

Between busy-ness with business and occasional bouts of crippling anxiety about finances, I’ve been absent from here, just to keep this from turning into a depressing place. When things look up, I will have all kinds of stories to share that may help people going through what we’re experiencing, but right now, we’re still just trying to find our way out of this mess.

Rabbit is doing just fine; she has decided she hates school lunches, but doesn’t want to take lunch to school unless she has a lunch box. We’re working on that. She’s currently being denied desserts for a week because she took a 40 minute shower and then spent 40 more minutes staring around at her room instead of cleaning it. I know the feeling.

And for the record, I’m not depressed…I’m just swamped and overwhelmed and just the tiniest bit terrified, but we see light at the end of the tunnel and it doesn’t look much like a train.

What’s new with y’all?

No, we have not died.  It has been a long silent stretch here as we work to rebuild some falling apart-ness in the finances department, and slowly but surely there is some resolution ahead.

I have been slammed with work – three active sets of buyers wanting to look at houses every day, writing an offer with one couple, presenting it to some for sale by owner sellers and negotiating for what is now the third straight day.

In addition, I’ve been working on preparations for three new listings that may or may not pan out, but in the meanwhile, it’s been extra responsibility.

PC got an interview for a promotion at his work, so any good thoughts you could send his way would be GREAT – the interview is this Tuesday the 21st.

Rabbit got a super cute haircut today.  I was tired of it being straggly and in her face, barely clean when she couldn’t rinse the shampoo out, too long to keep combed and in all other ways completely unmanageable for a nine-year-old who doesn’t want Mom involved in her hair.  So we went to Annette and got about three inches cut off Rabbit’s hair, and Annette shaped it into a bouncy little chin length bob that is completely adorable.  Rabbit was a little concerned at first with how short it was, but really loves how bouncy and smooth it is.

I’ve officially moved on from knitting with cheap yarn to knitting with the good stuff.  Yesterday I got some bamboo-fiber yarn and it is like silk.  I’m working on a daisy-stitch knit scarf for a friend.  It is amazing the difference in drape and feel between cheap yarn and the good stuff.  After I get a few scarves done, I’m thinking I’ll try to learn cable knit, and then hats.

Have any of you been watching “Downton Abbey” on PBS Masterpiece Classics????  It is so good!  I watched the first season on Netflix when we still had that, and have been hooked on this season. So great.

Tonight for dinner, we had sauteed chicken breast with garlic and French green beans (sauteed right in with the chicken), along with Trader Joe’s garlic and cilantro naan bread.  Later, after Rabbit goes to bed, I’m indulging in some dark chocolate dipped in peanut butter.  The PMS, she must be fed and calmed.

This is such a piecemeal posting, but I miss writing on here and I will be back soon with things of substance.  Thanks to those checking in with me.  Yes, I’m alive.  Life is getting better.

Crazy times lately and taking up with knitting have combined to make my presence here a little scarce. I thought I would throw together an update of sorts.

I had some good results from recent open houses and picked up a couple of new buyer clients, and have been showing houses almost every day for a week.  One client is close to buying a house and another couple is closing in on the right place.  A third couple is waiting for some final credit documentation before making an offer, which might end up being another month.  But I feel good that I have this level of activity after how slow things were in the second half of last year.

Meanwhile, we are still waiting for our IRS situation to get straightened out.  My advice to you is that if you are self-employed, use an accountant and not home tax software.  There’s a reason I don’t do tax preparation for a living, so I don’t know why I would continue trying to do this when there are professionals who can give us far better guidance.

I baked two loaves of bread today and they BOTH stuck to the inside of the loaf pans.  The vegetable oil spray I bought was cheaper because it was the store brand instead of Pam.  More advice: don’t try to save money by paying 75cents less for a can of vegetable oil spray if the result is a useless product that twice makes you have to throw away loaves of bread.  It costs money in the long run.

Rabbit has been struggling with a stomach bug, leg pains and headaches for over a week now.  She had a terrible time Sunday night, so sick to her stomach that she threw up.  She’s better now, but the leg pains had us worried for a while.  I think they were explained when we discovered this morning that clothes that were too big for her two weeks ago were the right size, and a shirt she wore only a week ago was too small.  I’ll have to check her height, but I think she had a massive growth spurt and it made her ache and hurt all over.

The weather here has been in the 50s and 60s for several days but they’re predicting snow (and lots of it) for the weekend.  I’m going to have to take clothes to the laundromat tomorrow and hopefully the weather holds out enough that I can put clothes on the line again.

Our company’s annual awards banquet was tonight – PC and I went, and while we were there, my cousin Mary came over and took Rabbit out for dinner and then they hung out at the house and watched American Idol and a movie.  I’m confident that Rabbit had a much better time than we did!

I am currently reading “The Cat’s Table” by Michael Ondaatje (author of “The English Patient”) and so far, it’s very good.  I think I have only read four or five books so far this year because of all the knitting!

Speaking of which, I have knitted probably ten cotton dish cloths, as well as an infinity scarf for Rabbit.  I’m currently working on a moss-green ribbed wool scarf for PC.  After I finish that, I’m going to go back online to the instructional videos to learn some new stitches and techniques, since I would like to learn cable-knit.  Regardless, it is a wonderfully relaxing hobby that I can enjoy while watching TV or while waiting in front of a house for buyers, or at an open house between clients.  I knit while at the laundromat, also, which led to a conversation with an elderly lady who was also a knitter.   When I finish the scarf, I’ll post pictures.

Tomorrow’s plan:  laundromat, then groceries, then house showings and then knitting and work on preparations for the youth retreat at the end of the month.  Friday’s plan:  baking bread and then working some part-time hours helping a friend in his business in the afternoon, taking pictures of inventory and helping write copy and reorganize inventory on their website.  Saturday, I’m doing second showings on houses from today for a set of buyers.

What do you have planned for the rest of the week?

I feel like I’ve fallen off the side of the world.  I’ve been working with several new clients, all buyers, which is a terrific change from the slow season of November and December.  I haven’t had much time for blogging, nor much desire to write, honestly.

I will be back soon.  Thanks for hanging in there with me while I stress and fret.